All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Randomize
