I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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