forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
