the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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