Old men and throwing up are my life now.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Randomize
