Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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