You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
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Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
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