are you still at the devil's house?
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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