you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
