Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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