you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
