You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
