My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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