My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Randomize
