I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Randomize
