I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I touched a dick in church today
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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