whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
