I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
