my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I supernannyed him into submission
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
