Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
