Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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