"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
