Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
