i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
