I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
