Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
