whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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