you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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