Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
