I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
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