u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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