Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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