that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
