I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
