Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
