It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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