I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
