last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
