he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Is it because I queefed?
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
