dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
