we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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