i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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