allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
