I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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