I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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