In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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