no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
