Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
