I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
