Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
Randomize
