I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
