just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
