since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
