Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
