every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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